Change is hard. That is what I hear. There are companies, consultants and teams devoted to helping people through change.

But I disagree that change is hard.

Changes that we want are quite easy. Marrying the person that you love, finding out you are pregnant with the baby that you always wanted, getting a job, getting accepted into college, receiving a financial windfall, a promotion, buying your dream home or car. Those are pretty easy changes.

But there are other changes that are more difficult, leaving an abusive relationship, changing careers, dealing with loss.

And the hardest place of all to be is at the beginning of this change, the threshold. The threshold is where we are confronted with the sad truth that we will not be able to live the lives that we wanted to live. Our only choice is to leap into an unknown abyss.

Yet, another way to see this threshold is as the beginning of our Hero’s Journey.

All writers know about the Hero’s Journey. It goes something like this. The protagonist’s world has been turned upside down and she must take a long, difficult journey to discover new life/wisdom/revelation. The Hero’s Journey follows the protagonist on her quest.

Joseph Campbell popularized the Hero’s Journey in his books about monomyths (one myth). Campbell posited that the vast majority of mythic and religious narratives regardless of culture or civilization are variations of the Hero’s Journey. His famous book, The Hero with a Thousand Faces described the similarities between all religions and myths. Namely, the hero faces challenges, gains insights, and returns home transformed. The Hero’s Journey leads them through great movements of separation, descent, ordeal, and return.

But it is the beginning of that journey that is most difficult. For those who have lost a partner, our Hero’s Journey is caused by a catastrophic separation. Death, loss, finances. These events are our lives’ earthquakes. What makes the leap off of the threshold particularly difficult is grief. Those in intense grief have difficulty making decisions, lose confidence, and question their abilities.

I had that experience. I had wonderful and successful life. Yet, after a series of catastrophic losses, I was unable to make the simplest decision. I couldn’t decide what I should wear. Each morning I would end up sitting in bed, crying with my dogs…unable to make such a simple choice. For those who have their planned lives stolen by death; we have to take that leap off the threshold without our wingman.

The threshold of change is the most painful place to be, even more difficult than the journey that follows. Yet people in bad situations remain frozen on their threshold. Lacking any blueprint, we remain on that painful threshold as the universe tries harder and harder to push us off.

Crossing the threshold requires us to leave the things that gave us comfort and security. That is when we commit to our Hero’s Journey.

Joseph Campbell described three phases of the Hero’s Journey: The first phase, crossing that threshold, is called Departure: The next key component of the Hero’s Journey is On the Road. In this phase we are tested, endure hardships, disappointments, fear, and failure. Each hero is dealing with grief’s pain, grief triggers and is learning to live without the partner.

In the final phase, the Return/Transformation the hero emerges and returns changed by the journey. The hero has experienced not just loss and the intensity of grief’s pain but also the knowledge that he can survive it. The hero returns, transformed by the experience and on a path to becoming a new person.

And that is the bottom line. All of us are changed by our Hero’s Journey. Hopefully for the better. Our Hero’s Journey teaches us acceptance, self-compassion, and integration back into life. We deeply understand the hubris of control. It has taught me to lean into the good things, to celebrate each event, as if it were the last one. Because all of the hero’s that have been on the journey understand the fragility of life.

While enduring our Hero’s Journey, we discover a powerful secret. We can survive grief’s pain.

So, rather than see ourselves as stuck, or lost, or making bad decisions; I prefer to see ourselves as at the beginning of our own Hero’s Journey. And those of us who have been on this journey remain to assure others that they will make it, too.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Nature’s Rules

This is the time of year when we reflect on our lives and realize how blessed we are. You will, no doubt, read columns about gratitude and loving and family.

This is not that column.

This column is about me vs bunnies and you don’t need to skip to the end to know how this is going to turn out.

The flower protagonists in this column are pansies, my favorite flower. I could wax eloquent for a long time about pansies. They come in an array of beautiful colors and faces. They smile. They are resilient, they overwinter on the Eastern Shore. Their fragrance is divine. They are the perfect size, not too tall and not too small. They grow anywhere there is some sun, but the best in a lot of sun.

But most of all, they welcome me back from Florida. Every winter, I returned to rows and rows of smiling pansies. Pansies in the front so that tourists and neighbors alike could see their welcoming faces. In my garden, they circled the perimeter and provided stunning bouquets of flowers in my planters.

But about three years ago, the bunnies showed up en masse. In the beginning they only chomped on some of the flowers; but by now, they eat all the pansies down to the nubs, only tiny reminders of a stalk remain.

This year I planted my perimeter, and outside my fence with pansies only to discover that within a week, all had disappeared. I have tried to contest nature before and failed, but this battle was too important. I rolled up my sleeves and got to work.

Bunnies can help themselves to any clover, holly branches, or even my liriope (which is considered a bunny deterrent, for other bunnies, anyway). But like me, pansies are their favorite flower.

I developed a plan of action by scouring the Internet and talking to experienced gardeners on how to keep my bunnies at bay. First, I tried commercial solutions. I sprayed Liquid Fence, but my garden simply stunk…it kept the bunnies away for a while, but I couldn’t tolerate the stench. Then I found a granular rabbit repellent. I carefully followed the directions, only to watch my little Maltese devour it. But it didn’t work outside of the dog fence, either. The rabbits simply hopped over it.

This was war. And the scientist in me decided to experiment. I selected three patches and planted another 21 pansies. I measured the size of each plant and counted the number of flowers so that I would know which of the three deterrents was most effective. On one patch I applied Milorganite, an organic fertilizer that is supposed to repel bunnies. In another patch I placed mothballs around each plant. In the third garden I cut up Irish Spring soap and placed it around each plant.

I did not have to wait long to see the results. By the next morning all of my pansies were eaten down to the nubs. So much for my scientific experiment.

But this was the first battle, and I became determined. I bought another 21 pansies and this time combined all three deterrents. It took two days before the plants were all gone (I guess that my bunnies were full from the night before.)

Back to Internet. Garlic is considered a deterrent. I bought 21 more pansies and added garlic to the other deterrents. I put it on the plants, I put whole cloves around each plant. I spent over $50 on garlic.

The next morning, I discovered that my bunnies seemed to appreciate the savory addition. In meantime, one of the idiotic bunnies was eating the Irish Spring shavings.

Since it’s holiday season, the next addition to my deterrent garden was peppermint. The bunnies celebrated the holidays by chomping down the next crop of pansies.

I bought 12 pansies this time and added red pepper flakes and chili powder to the deterrents in the three patches. The bunnies had one word for my addition. “Ole!”

I trained my male dog to pee in the beds. But the bunnies didn’t mind the new atmosphere in the pansy restaurant.

But they do not appear to appreciate my dogs’ feces…for once, I can’t get my dogs to poop fast enough. The poop only stops them briefly, it takes them a week for it to be less pungent so they can return.

I gave up and moved to my fenced in garden. My dogs were supposed to watch over my pansies. But these bunnies are big now and my dogs simply watch them devour my treasured pansies.

If raptors could read, I would have installed a neon sign facing the sky that read Hasenpfeffer, All You Can Eat Buffet.

Back to the Internet and more realistic solutions. I read that white plastic forks placed so that the tines are up can be a deterrent as it resembles the teeth of predators. Not to my bunnies, they saw them as backscratchers or an inconvenient post that had to be knocked down.

I concentrated on pots; I moved most to the outdoor table. Then I raised all tables and planters by placing landscape bricks underneath them.

But my bunnies have grown quite large, while the table has inhibited them; they are still able to reach the planters. I added more bricks. One planter toppled in the wind.

I put chicken wire fence around one of the planters. These bunnies are strong and they were able to push in the wire to get to most of the delicacies.

In the meantime, the squirrels have decided to help when they can, so they dig up the planters on the outdoor table to plant their nuts and knock the pansy plants onto the ground for the bunny feast.

I was coming up with my next plan when I stopped to survey my garden. It stinks. It looks ridiculous. Planters are lifted to silly levels. The remaining pansies are stuffed together on a table where they don’t get enough sun.

I took down the chicken wire. I took a big whiff. I smelled mothballs, garlic, peppermint, cumin, chili peppers, Irish Spring soap, dog poop, and the remainder of the rotten egg smell from Liquid Fence. Even if I wanted a garden that stunk, it would not last the 6 months that I will be gone. And since the planters are above the soil, they may not survive a brutal winter.

I gave up.

A close friend has agreed to watch my pots still on the table to make sure they remain upright throughout the winter. That it is the best that I can hope for.

Game, Set, Match—Bunnies.

But bunnies, this is directed to you. Like cancer, you are destroying your host. Our favorite flower will be gone, you will be left with tasteless plants. I know that nature doesn’t allow you to believe in surplus, you have to eat everything that is there. But I would have shared. I would have given you apples and carrots and clover, all you could eat. If you just ate ½ of the flowers, we could have had a relationship. But we are enemies now. At present, you are a formidable and powerful opponent—but I am persistent.

I will be back.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

One of the (few) advantages of aging are the changes in the gifts that we value.

When we were little, every gift was special. I enjoy watching my sister’s grandchildren unwrap the gifts that she meticulously wraps. I delight in watching the sheer joy on their faces as they unwrap each gift from the dollar store. Their eyes sparkle, their faces light up with a wide smile, their voices get higher, and they rush to show everyone each treasure. It is impossible not to experience their joy.

My older grandniece is 10 and she is getting more selective. While she still loves to unwrap presents, she is also interested in the content of the gift; the wrapping is no longer enough. Fortunately, she has a unique style which her parents encourage, so you never really know what will fit into that style. Seeing her apparel combinations of rubber boots paired with various skirts, dresses, colors, and her headgear is amusing to say the least. So it is possible that a present, while not cool with her friends, may fit her just right.

As we enter adulthood, gifts become more important, they become a method of expressing and receiving love. A perfect gift means that person “gets” you, that person understands you, that person is thinking of you. A perfect gift is always treasured, even years later.

Gifts of art, clothing, jewelry and home goods fill a need. They can be both an expression of caring and a chance to get things that are not affordable. When I was young, gifts were things, like clothing, jewelry, art, books, or home goods. The younger generations often prefer experiential gifts such as contributions to a honeymoon, vacations, or tickets to special events.

As we age, we no longer need things. Our homes are full of treasures and many of us have a lifetime of experiences.

Instead, we value gifts that are expressions of love, of warmth, of comfort, of caring. We treasure those more than we did when we were younger. When we were younger a fun gathering was one of many that we could expect. Now each one is precious.

I have a weekly game of Codenames with a family with whom we have been close for 30 years. Each week our families get together to play this game, not to win, but to share laughter and news and just chuckle at our missteps. We come together from different states, but it is as if we were sharing a room. I feel the love which remains long after the games are finished.

In addition to being gifted with caring and loving friends, I am very fortunate to have a large, loving family. A ride-or-die family. When anything happens, we bond together to protect and shore up the wounded family member.

My youngest sister had a milestone birthday last week. Rather than gifts, she wanted us all to be together; dressed up, at another sister’s home, for a formal meal. The meal was filled with laughter, warmth, and good food. My birthday sister had accidentally bought very expensive bottles of wine after a wine tasting, and we laughed about it while enjoying a very delicious and expensive Cabernet Sauvignon.

As I sat around the table laughing at our misspent youth while in the warm embrace of my family, I realized that my sister had not only received a gift, but, she had given us an even greater one. We celebrated being alive, being together in that warm moment just enjoying and loving each other.

The gifts that we appreciate as we age are not morally superior to other presents; but they are gifts that are available to everyone. And when I was young, I didn’t recognize how precious they were.

And that is the reward of age—wisdom.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

It is that time of year… time to review my charitable giving and send end of the year donations.

I wonder how many bad charities I have funded in my lifetime. One charity, in particular, comes to mind. When I lived in New Jersey, I was solicited monthly by local police and firefighter benevolent organizations. The solicitors sounded like police officers or firefighters. Their messages included vague threats and heart wrenching stories. If I donated, I would receive a sticker in the mail that I could display on my car window, my home, or a storefront.

The vague threat went something like this. Police look for this sticker when they encounter you and if they don’t see it, they know that you don’t support them. The “carrot” was a story about how they assisted a wounded officer’s family. Most of the time, I hung up (that was before caller ID), but one day, I was in a good mood and I donated $100. Thus began the opening of the solicitation spigot, and from then on, I was called at least monthly.

I recently learned from an HBO documentary, Telemarketers, that these calls were actually made by telemarketers who sounded like police officers. The local Fraternal Order of Police (FOP) organizations had contracted with these telemarketing companies. The contracts allowed the telemarketers to retain 90%-95% of the donations and lie that the money went to the families of injured police officers. (Which meant, of course, that the local FOP only got $5 of the $100 that I donated.) New Jersey local FOPs were not the only ones. Local FOP organizations from many states had similar contracts. Some contracts allowed telemarketers to claim that 100% of the funds went to support victims. Sadly, very little of the money ever went to victims. The FOPs spent that 5 to 10% of my donation on their leadership’s vacations, travel, conventions, and personal items. Even worse was that these donations came from retirees, homemakers, disabled people, and people who were just scraping by. Typical donations were between $5-$50. After a telemarketing company was shut down, another took its place and these FOPs operated virtually unscathed.

Does this still happen today? I don’t know. One of the Connecticut FOPs that was featured on the HBO documentary, Telemarketers, claims that they now get 50% of the amount collected (which is still a very high fundraising percentage).

I did some research to find out how much of the money that I donated actually went to a worthy cause. I’ll tell you how that search came out later.

Americans give more to charities than any other country and there are a lot of shady people who have created nonprofits to take advantage of our generosity.

Many deceptive charities use a name that is similar to a reputable charitable organization. For example, the Children’s Wish Foundation International sounds like the Make a Wish Foundation. The latter is a highly regarded charity (4 out of 4 stars) that provides special experiences to children suffering from serious illnesses. The Children’s Wish Foundation International, on the other hand, is a 1 star charity, where more than ½ of donations goes into the pockets of the founders.

It is easy to fall for this “name game.” For example, the Disabled Veterans National Foundation spends 95% on administration and fundraising and only 5% gets to victims, while the National Military Family Association spends 18% on fundraising and administration and uses the remaining 82% for its programs. But which name sounds more legitimate to you?

Here is another example. How many times have we seen the ads and heard the catchy jingle for Kars4Kids? Did you know that the money is used almost exclusively for Orthodox Jewish children’s education? Their advertisements gloss over how the money will benefit all children (it won’t).

Earning legendary status in the dodgy donations game was the Cancer Fund of America, which used less than 1% of funds to support cancer victims.

If we want to choose our charities wisely, there are a number of charity watchdog organizations. All of these rely on our donations to continue.

• Charity Watch has been operating since 1992. It reviews data from IRS filings and evaluates the charity’s financials. It uses a letter-grade rating system. To get the top rating (A) a charity must spend at least 75 percent or more on its programs.
• Charity Navigator uses a 4-star rating system based on its review of the IRS tax filings and annual reports. It evaluates how funds are spent and the accuracy of the charity’s website and reporting.
• GuideStar is another charity watchdog site. Instead of a rating system it provides comprehensive data about a charity for potential donors to analyze. Many commercial businesses and foundations rely on this site.
• GreatNonprofits provides reviews by people who have experience with the charity. The website’s goal is to highlight the work of the best charities and, unlike the other watchdogs, includes the smaller organizations. A nonprofit establishes a free profile page on their site and notifies its constituents, clients, donors, and volunteers to post comments about the charity.
• Better Business Bureau (BBB) is always a trustworthy source of information. It offers a Give Wisely website, that summarizes IRS filing information and adds any BBB complaints about the charity.

Back to my story about my donation to the New Jersey FOP. I searched for the New Jersey FOP on these watchdog websites, but none had much information. Charity Navigator gave the national FOP organization a top rating. Sadly even though I contributed money to an organization that probably took 95% of my donation, these watch organizations could not tell me that.

There is a good reason. There are over 1.5 million nonprofit organizations in the United States, too many for cash starved nonprofits to evaluate.

I decided to do my own research for one of my favorite charities, called The Bail Project. This charity pays the bail for those jailed for minor offenses who cannot afford bail. Without money for bail, these people remain in jail for months, causing them to lose their jobs and, due to the backlog of cases, usually plead guilty just to get out of jail. On the other hand, people who can afford to put up bail are able to continue working, and 80% of these cases end up being dismissed. It is a win-win charity, allowing these individuals to be a part of productive society and, at the same time, it saves us millions of tax dollars on incarcerations. As part of its work, The Bail Project charity follows up with people who are out on bail to ensure that they have legal representation and show up for their court dates. Follow up has been so successful that 93% of the bail money is returned and used again. The charity also advocates in legislatures to eliminate cash bail. Due to their hard work and that of others, there are now three states that have abolished cash bail.

So I did my research on this nonprofit. It was not in any of the charity watchdog websites, but it has a very informative website with annual reports and detailed financials. I found that 55% of my donation is used for bail. Another 36% is used for salaries and client expenses. The rest is travel, rent, etc. They report no fundraising expenses. They have 115 employees who are mostly client support representatives who assist the clients, ensure that clients have legal advocacy, and manage the bail process. One quarter of the employees are prior beneficiaries of The Bail Project. My conclusion is that this is a good nonprofit and I will continue supporting it.

So, what should you do to ensure that your funds are being used properly? First check the Charity watchdog (and consider donating to them) websites. Second, review the nonprofit’s website. Nonprofits are required to disclose their activities as well as the amount spent on fundraising and administration. If it is a local charity and you have a question, contact them directly.

Upon reflection, I am sure that the $100 that I donated was not the only money that I have wasted on a nefarious charity. But it is my goal that it will be my last.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

The harbinger of autumn. No it’s not the leaves, the colder weather, or even football. It is the addition of pumpkin spice to our favorite foods. Many credit the pumpkin spice craze to Starbucks’s introduction of the Pumpkin Spice Latte (called PSL by aficionados) in 2003.

Pumpkin spice was probably introduced to the west by the Dutch, in a blend called “speculaaskruiden” (mixed spice) that was popular in the 1600s. The Europeans were the first to make pumpkin into a pie using cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and pepper, which became the basic ingredients for pumpkin spice (although many recipes also use allspice and ginger). Ironically, the pumpkin spice craze today is only in North America. A friend of mine told me that she has a relative in Paris who has searched for canned pumpkin pie filling in Paris grocery stores for years and has only been able to find it in a small specialty store.

Food scientists speculate that the reason pumpkin spice is so popular is that the scent evokes nostalgia coupled with the foods of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is associated with warmth, ample food, and family and friends gathering together. Most of us have pleasant memories of Thanksgiving and it is believed that this scent invokes memories of those happy times.

Pumpkin spice is also an aphrodisiac for men. A study found that the smell of pumpkin spice increases sexual arousal in men stronger than any other scent, even perfume. Not as much for women, though.

The marketing genius behind pumpkin spice is keeping it seasonal. Pumpkin spice flavored products are typically only available for a short period of time.

Whatever it is, it has really caught on. I did an Internet search of pumpkin-spiced products and it was frankly eye opening. Are you ready? Here is a list.

Products that have pumpkin spiced scents or flavors:

• Milk-based desserts: Yogurt, Ice cream, Milkshakes, Flavored milk, Hot cocoa, Pudding, DQ Pumpkin Blizzard, Cheesecake
• Caffeine drinks: Coffee, Lattes, Teas, Coffee creamers
• Breakfast foods: Pop-tarts, Pancakes, Waffles, Syrup, Granola, Granola bars, English muffins, Cereals, Doughnuts, Muffins, Instant hot cereals,
• Cookies: Pumpkin cookies, Pumpkin rolls, Pumpkin bars, Oreos, Waffle cookies, Pumpkin snaps, Protein bars, Dessert Bars
• Spreads: Cream cheese, Pumpkin butter, Pumpkin-flavored butter, Hummus, Caviar, Peanut butter
• Cakes: Cupcakes, Cake
• Baking products: Marshmallows, Sauce (to drizzle on desserts), Pumpkin spice peanut butter powder
• Candies: Jellybeans, Chocolates, Caramels, Chewing gum, Candy corn, Peeps
• Nuts: Walnuts, Almonds
• Baked desserts: Pies, Twinkies, Moon Pies, Biscotti, Brownies
• Ethnic Foods: Empanadas, Tamales
• Breads: Pumpkin bread, Rolls, Bagels,
• Drinks: Pumpkin Spice protein powder (energy drink), Juice
• Cheese
• Crackers, Potato chips, Popcorn
• Alcoholic: Beer, Ale, Wine, Liqueur
• Artificial sweeteners
• Scented home products: Candles, Sachets, Air fresheners, Trash bags, Spray cleaner
• Bath and body products: Soap, Deodorant, Body scrub, Skin cream, Toothpaste, Beard Oil
• Makeup: Lipstick, Face mask, Face cream
• Meals: Macaroni and Cheese, Burger, Chicken Sandwich, Salmon, Spam, Sausage, Broth
• Pet Products: Pumpkin (good for canine digestion), Dog biscuits, Dog shampoo, Kitty litter
• Flowers: Mums that smell like pumpkins
• Cough Drops

While I am not sure how healthy pumpkin spice is, pumpkins are good for the immune system. Pumpkins are high in soluble fiber which slows down how quickly the body absorbs glucose. Pumpkins are rich in beta carotene (which converts to Vitamin A), Vitamin C, and antioxidants. My acupuncturist recommends pumpkin during the cold and flu season.

And since we are talking about pumpkins, there are over 150 varieties. There are local pumpkin growing contests, the world record pumpkin was over 1,469 pounds.

And, of course, there are the decorative pumpkins that grace homes, businesses, and yards. The small white pumpkins that we see are mostly Baby Boo pumpkins. The large white pumpkins are creatively called Casper pumpkins. The Blue Doll, Blue Jarrahdale, and Blue Hubbard varieties are those unusual slate blue/gray pumpkins. Then there are the myriad of other decorative pumpkins. No longer simply orange, they come in yellow, blue, white, black, green, pink/coral, gray, brown, striped and multicolored. They are also available in a myriad of shapes, sizes, and mottling. Many of these varieties can be eaten, but most prefer of us their exotic looks.

So there you have it. More than you wanted to know about pumpkins and pumpkin spice. And even if the pumpkin spice craze is a bit too much, most of it will be gone after Thanksgiving. So savor, feast, and inhale it all because by the dog days of August we will eagerly awaiting their reappearance.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

One evening (at 5:30, of course!), I decided to treat myself to a dinner in a nice restaurant. I brought my Kindle but didn’t end up reading. It was a busy night, the restaurant was loud, and there were a number of conversations.

Upon arriving at my table I observed an older couple finishing their meal.

“Can you wrap this up for me to take home?” the older man asked the waiter while slightly lifting his empty plate. The waiter stumbled a little. “I’m only kidding,” he said. He then proceeded to offer some tired puns. The waiter was polite, but it was a busy night. When the man started to talk about his past accomplishments, his wife intervened and asked for the check.

Midway through my meal, I overheard another older couple ordering their meal. The man was going through each menu item and making nonsensical requests. “Can I have the lamb stew without the lamb? Does the pot pie include pot?” Each time the waiter smiled, answering each question. After exhausting the menu, the gentleman placed his order.

I recognized both of these well-groomed men. They were “used to be’s” (also called the CEO blues). They were used to commanding a room. During their careers, subordinates and peers had listened attentively and chuckled at those jokes. But the world moved on and the sycophants found someone else to follow. These men had lost their identity and the attention that came with it.

Most people with successful careers are able to adapt to retirement. Many become benefactors, others enjoy their hobbies, still others travel extensively. But there are some highly successful individuals who struggle and experience depression, social isolation, loss of identity, and loss of purpose. I can empathize. Besides parenting, retirement has been the most challenging stage in my life. I had to retire ten years before I intended to, so I entered this phase of my life without a plan. Before retirement I had been a workaholic.

Like these men, I was used to commanding attention. Today, the only way I could silence a room would require me to embarrass myself.

My unexpected retirement after losing my husband was frustrating and frightening. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was one of 30%-40% of retirees who struggle in this phase of life.

Former CEOs, leaders, and those without a plan are most likely to struggle. People who maintained a healthy work life balance, put a priority on family over career, had a retirement plan, and those with hobbies usually find retirement very satisfying. On the other hand, women who managed the home sometimes discover they don’t get retirement.

So retirement is tricky.

We are in the eighth and final phase in Erik Erikson’s stage theory of psychosocial development, known as Ego integrity vs Despair. During this stage we reflect on our accomplishments, review our mistakes, and create our own personal scorecard. If we are overall satisfied with our choices, can accept our mistakes and conclude that we have lived our lives with internal integrity, we feel a sense of peace (Ego Integrity). But those who regret their choices or believe that their goals were thwarted, find themselves in states of sadness, anger, and reliving past wrongs (Despair).

And since this is such a complex stage of life, some highly successful people choose to delay retirement and keep the familiar over unknown (retirement). Our current presidential front runners are examples of those people.

The 70% of retirees who have made the jump into retirement successfully have done it in a myriad of ways. Some have dedicated themselves to their community. Others have invested in their hobbies and passions such as: travel, sports, boating, hunting, fishing, and savoring all that this beautiful peninsula offers. Still others have learned a new skill or seen this as a time of reflection and connection with family, friends, and nature.

It can be painful to discover that the world has moved on and that another generation has taken our place. A generation that sees the world differently, their technologies are different and more advanced, their acceptance of differences greater, their vibe, their interests are not ours.

“Used to be’s” recognize that they must start over without the energy, physical health, drive, technological skills, and naivete of youth. Volunteer jobs can be ego bruising, such as cleaning up refuse in a park, taking water samples. Dinner parties aren’t as much fun. The stories have been told over and over, and remind us that looking in the past, leaves us stuck in the past.

I still haven’t figured out retirement. I tried volunteering, but I realized that the jobs that I wanted were not volunteer types of jobs. Despite my expertise in fostering animals, I was cleaning cat cages. Instead of writing grants, I was stacking shelves. Instead of statistical expertise and UI design, I was throwing out my back by lifting cages of heavy oysters. A key limitation for me is that I divide my time between two states, making many volunteer activities understandably unavailable.

Even successful retirees can get bored or lonely as physical limitations increase. Sometimes we feel like we are stuck in procrastination with more free time than motivation. And then there are the losses, so many losses that make us keenly aware of our own mortality.

This column is not intended to be a fix for challenges in retirement. There are many courses, books, videos, and articles that offer advice. For those who are struggling, there are local volunteer and part-time opportunities.

I finished my dinner deep in thought about retirement and empathy for the challenges that both these gentlemen were facing. And as I was leaving, I passed that couple that had now finished their meal and I heard the gentleman ask in front of his empty plate.

“Can you wrap this up?”

I hope that all of us can find our way in this transition. At least for the waiters’ sakes.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

I had a close friend in college and we became friends when we were both interested in the same guy. She got the guy, and I got the friend. My friend had a reputation for being promiscuous, but I just found her warm, open, and accepting. One day, she opened up about her sex life. She knew that she had a “reputation,” but didn’t care about it a lot.

Then she told me her story.

She was a very, very, very pretty girl. She had natural long blonde hair, freckles, big blue eyes, and a slim figure. Everyone noticed her when she walked into the room. She came from a very religious family and had committed herself to chastity before marriage. It must have been difficult for the pretty, popular cheerleader to fend off sexual advances, but she was committed. In her senior year, she met “the one.” They had a plan for keeping their “no sex before marriage” commitment. They were going to go to different colleges, remain celibate, and marry after graduation.

But their plans forever changed in one night.

On prom night she and her boyfriend were “making out” in a desolate area in Northern Virginia. Suddenly a large, menacing stranger appeared and smashed the passenger’s side window. He opened the car door and beat up her boyfriend. Then he raped her with a knife to her throat. They both made it out alive.

But their young relationship could not withstand the trauma. Some in her church family blamed her for their choice to “park.” Her parents were sympathetic, yet concerned, that what had happened to her had made her less chaste in the eyes of God.

She realized that everything that she had waited for, planned for, worked hard toward, was gone. Her belief that she had control of her body was merely a canard. Any man with a weapon could do whatever he wanted to the body that she had tried so hard to protect. She would never feel completely safe again. She saw herself as a walking victim.

She had spent her life preventing sex, so she decided it was time to try it. Why not have sex whenever she wanted? Maybe this would help her regain control.

Her story is not unique, women have different reactions to rape, especially aggravated assaults. Some women are unable to be intimate and others take her strategy. But all require years of therapy.

By the time my friend’s rapist had been caught, he had begun killing his female victims. The police advised her that she didn’t have to testify. She was grateful that she did not have to relive her trauma. She knew that she would have been victimized all over again by the defense attorney. She was relieved when, even without her testimony, he was convicted.

At the time she was raped in the 1970s, a victim’s sex life was considered fair game. Feminists worked to change the laws by reminding opponents that if you are robbed, you don’t have to prove you have never been robbed before. But lawmakers were concerned about the potential for false accusations. In rape trials, victims were harangued, their sex lives and physical appearance mocked on the stand and accused of “asking for it.”

Aggravated sexual assault is a complex crime. Well, it isn’t really complex, it is all about misogyny, power, control, and an absence of concern for the victim.

Most police officers have been trained to understand rape victim reactions to trauma. In metropolitan areas, there are special victims units. However, problems remain. There is a documentary showing police officers refusing to believe rape victims and even mocking them. One victim was threatened with jail time when they didn’t believe her. To avoid jail time, she had to plead guilty to making a false report and pay a fine. Her rapist turned out to be a serial rapist and it was only after he had been caught in another state years later that her jaw-dropping injustice was exposed.

After this serial rapist moved to Colorado, two female detectives worked tirelessly to catch him. They believe that he is responsible for dozens of rapes. After he was caught, the detectives discovered a photo of the bound and gagged victim with her driver’s license. The Colorado detectives were shocked when they discovered what had happened to that victim. The victim was young, scared, new to the area, and alone, and he was his first victim. Had she been believed; this rapist wouldn’t have been able to commit his subsequent crimes. In fact, the rapist felt emboldened when he learned what happened to the victim. Other victims in the area knew her story as well and knew better than to report their assaults. Years later, the victim’s guilty plea was expunged, her fine returned, and she received a modest settlement from the police department.

Rape victims are traumatized all over again when they choose to report the rape. Collecting data for “rape kits” is very, very invasive and time consuming. Victims are frightened, ashamed, feel they won’t be believed, and blame themselves.

Aggravated sexual assault is a very a personal assault for victims but not their attackers. Clever defense attorneys can cast doubt on victims who have to relive their trauma on the stand. Many juries do not believe the victims. Since unreported rapes are so high, law enforcement estimates that only 6% of rapists are convicted…pretty good odds if that is your crime of choice.

The statistics tell the story. If a rape is reported, there is a 51% chance of an arrest. If an arrest is made, there is an 80% chance of prosecution. If there is a prosecution, there is a 58% chance of conviction.

Until 1976, all states allowed a husband to rape his wife based upon the English common law concept that held that a wife was her husband’s property. By 1993 every state passed a law making partner rape illegal.

Today, there are more types of rape: diminished capacity (where the victim does not have the capacity to choose), statutory rape, incest, date rape, and the one that my friend suffered from, aggravated rape. The latter requires that the victim be in fear of bodily harm.

So we have an underreported, under-prosecuted, and under-convicted crime. What is even worse is that rapists are viewed no differently in the criminal justice system and can get early probation or the controlled release program that Pava LaPere’s accused killer received.

Rape crimes rarely get special considerations when judges impose sentences, alternative release programs, “good time” credits, and probation. Some of the rationale is based on an analysis which reported that recidivism for rape is actually lower than other violent crimes. But that analysis is biased. It lumps all types of rape into a single category, even though aggravated sexual assaults are more dangerous.

The sample sizes are small and unreliable (due to differences in state laws). The few studies that separate aggravated sexual assaults suggest that these offenders have a 50% chance of reoffending within 9 years; others suggest 74%.; while another reports 24% in 25 years.

But the recent murder of Pava LaPere by a repeat aggravated sexual offender should make us pay closer attention. At the very least we need to gather reliable data about recidivism for aggravated sexual offenders.

I am frustrated by the overcrowding of jails and long prison terms for certain crimes associated with drug use. We need to find a way to reduce jail time for many criminals. But I do not think that aggravated sexual crimes fit in this category. For example, an aggravated sexual offender gets “good time” credits for how he behaves around other men. Men are not his problem.

If the judge had given LaPere’s accused murderer the full sentence that prosecutors recommended in his prior conviction, and if police had found him after he committed a rape and murder in September, this young entrepreneur would be alive today.

I hope that this motivates us to make changes on how we treat violent sexual offenders. We need to collect valid data, we need to provide treatment for offenders, we need a full psychological evaluation before his release, but mostly, we need to be careful about early release for aggravated sexual assault criminals until we are sure they will not reoffend. Simply put, by allowing those convicted of aggravated sexual assault to get early release or parole we are potentially putting over half of our population in danger.

Ivan Bates, the State’s Attorney for Baltimore City agrees. He is asking the Maryland General Assembly to revise laws about good-time credits for serious sex offenders. Bates sees the LaPere case as an example of a systematic failure.

Hopefully, laws will change. Because we need to evaluate a system that is willing to put over half of the population in potential danger by not treating this crime differently.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Wedding season is in full swing. Last year, 43% of the weddings occurred between September and November. But before there are weddings, there are diamonds, lots and lots of diamonds gracing the fingers of the affianced.

In the 1920s and 1930s, marketers convinced couples to use diamonds for engagement rings, arguing that nothing is stronger than a diamond and a diamond is forever. Despite the availability of other gemstones and even flawlessly crafted artificial diamonds, the trend for natural diamonds as engagement rings remains strong.

Diamonds have been valued and traded since 2500 BCE when they were discovered in river sediment in India. In the Middle Ages only the richest could afford diamonds. By the 19th century, more extensive diamond deposits were discovered in South Africa. Originally, diamonds were mined only in Africa, particularly Botswana, Angola, South Africa, Namibia and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Today Russia and Canada are the largest suppliers, producing a combined total of 41 million carats annually. Australia, Brazil and Guyana also produce smaller quantities of gem-quality diamonds.

Despite the high price placed on diamonds, they are relatively common compared to other gemstones. They are even less rare than precious metals, such as gold. Diamonds keep their value because the market is tightly controlled by the DeBeers company, a behemoth in the diamond trade. DeBeers used to control 85% of all diamonds, now it is closer to 40%; but nevertheless, they still set the prices. The large cutters and distributers have only two options when purchasing diamonds: take it or leave it. There are no markdowns or discounts. The DeBeers company carefully monitors the prices of diamonds at the retail level. Any retailer who undercuts the price of diamonds will no longer have access to them. Pretty good way to control a monopoly.

Not all diamonds are the same. Some aren’t suitable for use in jewelry and find their way into industrial applications. The beautiful diamond rings that sparkle from brides’ fingers are the not the diamonds that are mined…the brides’ diamonds have been cut to perfection to sparkle and reflect light brilliantly.

Today, synthetic diamonds, which cost 60-70% less, are virtually indistinguishable from natural diamonds, except that they are flawless. Another advantage of these synthetic diamonds is that do not have issues with being used to fund civil wars. Those diamonds are called “conflict diamonds,” because of the cruel and callous conditions of miners and their use to fund devastating civil wars.

Diamonds were formed by intense pressure on carbon molecules. Carbon exists as graphite on the Earth’s surface. At a depth of 93 miles, where the pressure and temperatures are extremely high, the graphite becomes compressed into diamonds. They reach the surface, where they can be mined, via volcanic pipes called Kimberlite Pipes. These “pipes” are actually rock that contain diamonds that have been brought to the surface by volcanic eruptions. Not just any volcanic eruption, diamonds reached the surface from eruptions that occurred when the continents broke up and the tectonic plates were rearranged.

Diamonds are also common throughout the universe.

Scientists believe that aging stars can collapse on themselves, creating giant diamond crystals. In the constellation Centaurus, it was believed that a white dwarf had crystallized into a diamond about 2,500 miles in diameter. (However, newer models are not so sure.) Imagine an entire star that is a diamond.

Diamonds are plentiful even within our own solar system.

Many scientists believe that diamonds rain on Uranus and Neptune, our two ice giants. Diamonds might rain from the ice giants’ mantles (the first layer of the planet) and into their rocky cores. The mantels of ice planets are liquid, filled with water, ammonia, methane, and…diamonds.

Diamond formation within the mantle would explain why the ice giant planets’ magnetic fields are so different from Earth’s. Our magnetic field, which comes from our core, surrounds our planet, but the magnetic fields around Uranus and Neptune are not symmetrical, nor do they extend from each pole. Scientists hypothesize that the magnetic fields of these ice giants originate in a layer of conducting material in the mantle, formed as a by-product of making diamonds.

Diamond rain might occur in the atmosphere of these planets as well.

Recently, Saturn and Jupiter have been added to the list of planets that potentially have diamond rain in their atmospheres. (Other gems such as sapphire, rubies and emeralds are also likely on Saturn and Jupiter.) Based on temperature and pressure predictions of the planets’ interiors, scientists conclude that gigantic diamond crystals hail over a huge region of Saturn. Saturn’s atmosphere has intense lightening that turns the methane in its atmosphere into soot. As the soot falls, the pressure on these carbon particles turn them into large chunks of diamonds. However, by the time they reach the planet’s surface, however, they may no longer be solid.

I guess diamonds aren’t forever on other planets. For now, it is less expensive to get our diamonds from our own planet.

But maybe diamonds are a good metaphor for marriage. They are created under adverse conditions of extreme pressure, and with careful care and tooling, they become spectacular.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.