I woke up before dawn today worrying, as I do, about the health of the President of the United States.
Think about it: what happens to all of us if something happens to him? Something, I’m sure.
So, suddenly, it came to me what to do. I went on Amazon and ordered a gallon of Wet and Forget — “kills 99.9 percent of bacteria and viruses”– and instructed it be delivered to Donald J. Trump, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Washington, DC, 20500.
It cost only $30.02, including tax, a bargain if put to immediate and lasting use.
Amazon requires that you list a phone number when it is delivering to a second party, so I did (it happens to be (202) 456-1111).
Then, as I do, I had second thoughts.
Will it actually get to Donald J. Trump? Will it even get into the White House? If Amazon can’t get onto the grounds, will they just leave the package of disinfectant outside the big, black gate like they do at my house, which doesn’t even have a gate?
If others also did this and Amazon couldn’t deliver Wet and Forget to the Oval Office, would packages of the necessary stuff pile up outside on Pennsylvania Avenue and cause a massive traffic hazard? Might this get me – and possibly millions and millions of other well-meaning Americans – in trouble?
I happened to mention to a good friend, who happens to be a judge, what I’d done. And she said, “Will you get a visit from the Secret Service?”
Then I wondered: For doing my patriotic duty?
I mean, I did give careful consideration to the wording of the personal note that Amazon lets you include when you send a package of disinfectant to the President of the United States. I didn’t advise him to inject, swallow or just stick it in any particular place, which might have been taken wrongly.
I simply wrote, “Try this, please.”
If others wanted to send something like Wet and Forget to Donald J. Trump, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Washington, DC, 20500 (phone number (202) 456-1111), and were as considerate in their well wishes as I have been, I’m sure the Secret Service would understand.
And we might all sleep better, without jerking awake before dawn, as I do, worrying about the health of the President of the United States.
John Lang was a White House correspondent during the Nixon, Ford, Carter and Reagan administrations. He reported for The Associated Press, U,S. News & world Report, The Washington Post and Scripps-Howard News Service.