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9 Brevities

R.I.P., S.O.B. by John Lang

October 24, 2020 by Spy Desk

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Teddy, the contrary old sonofabitch who ran for President of the United States in 2016 but never got traction due to the sloth of his handlers, is dead at last.

He was, by certain reckonings, 119.

Deaf, blind, almost toothless, arthritic, discombobulated by dogzheimers, Teddy passed away at the home of his former campaign manager, where he had peed and pooped in the dining room every night in recent years, without shame or even recognition.

Teddy

Admirers (and they were few) gathered to share stories of Teddy’s failed bid for the White House and to consider how different politics would be today if he had won.

Consider the zillions that special interests could have saved buying presidential favors in recent years if there had been a Teddy Administration. His campaign slogan was, truthfully: “He Does It For A Cookie.”

Also, Teddy seldom snapped at women and bit only one of them. That single incident was accepted by his supporters as a youthful indiscretion. Besides, the scar is small.

Teddy never pissed all over his opponents, only house plants and then pee-pads during his later years when having slept all day he stayed up nights, pacing, nails clicking maddeningly on the bamboo floors, the little shit, no doubt pondering the many things gone wrong with his world since he lost the election: the frightful squirrels, rain on his back, Fucking Cats!, the brown-shirt bastards who sneak up and place packages at the door.

To his credit Teddy had no interest in tweeting, rallies, watching Fox TV, or humping legs of strange females. He never once grabbed a pussy and, in fact, was regularly chased, swatted and thoroughly intimidated by the very hairy one that shared his accommodations.

However, it must be admitted, his behavior was, as is the norm in public life, entirely transactional. But he was never easily led; he had a mind of his own, about the size of a peanut
.
Even so, Teddy always kept his silly thoughts to himself, seldom whined about anything, except breakfast and dinner, and never ever yapped on and on and on and on and on and on; and, blessedly, he leaves no spoiled daughters and stupid sons behind him.

If he wasn’t always a good dog, he rarely was a bad dog, unless you tried to move him.

His associates were in general agreement that Teddy surely will be missed, by some more than others. What’s certain is that there will never again in the history of this great nation be another one like Teddy, not if his former campaign manager has anything to say about it.

But. Damn.

John Lang has been a frequent contributor to the Chestertown Spy since 2009. 

 

The Spy Newspapers may periodically employ the assistance of artificial intelligence (AI) to enhance the clarity and accuracy of our content.

Filed Under: 9 Brevities

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Letters to Editor

  1. Deirdre LaMotte says

    October 24, 2020 at 3:16 PM

    Oh Teddy, you were adorable. Your girl friend Stella preceded you in May. May the two of you enjoy each other in the dog park
    upstairs!! God Speed!

  2. Stu Cawley says

    October 24, 2020 at 8:48 PM

    That was an epic tribute, John. Teddy’d be proud.

  3. Kay Sweezey says

    October 25, 2020 at 10:20 AM

    Very good eulogy!
    I liked Teddy very much. What a lucky dog he was!
    Kay

  4. M.G. Brosius says

    October 25, 2020 at 10:35 AM

    So sorry. I wondered why I wasn’t seeing Teddy strutting down the street. He was Tallulah’s successor, right?

  5. Michael Putzel says

    October 25, 2020 at 12:26 PM

    What a lovely eulogy for such a (a. sometimes b. usually c. always) cherished companion. If only he had won and spared us the last four years of doggerel.

  6. James Adams says

    October 25, 2020 at 4:06 PM

    Yes, I remember Teddy. I met him multiple times but all prior to his run for “Leader of the Free World”. Wish I’d gotten a signed picture of us together.
    His run may be soon forgotten, but “T’is better to have run and lost than never to have run at all” (Michael Dukakis).

  7. Jenifer emley says

    October 25, 2020 at 6:32 PM

    Ohhhhhh, I’m so sorry. Teddy was a trouper and you gave him the best years of his life. Love love love love.

  8. Jay & Linda Siwek says

    October 26, 2020 at 5:32 PM

    John, what a lovely, cur-mudgeonly tribute.
    We’ll miss seeing the two of you sauntering along Rosin Drive.
    And we never heard a yap!
    May Teddy live in your heart

  9. Caroline Cammack says

    October 30, 2020 at 7:58 PM

    What a doggone little troublemaker and ankle biter you were! Teddy, I hope that you are giving them hell in Dog Heaven. Asking you for a favor, though: Send the angels to Joe because we need him, otherwise the earth may implode in flames and ashes, and we may be joining you over the Rainbow Bridge. Seems like you curry a lot of favor with the Gods. Thanks and we’ll lift a double dirty vodka martini with 3 olives to you for your heavenly intervention in this matter. Ruff. Nuff said.

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