In the last Happiness column, I challenged you, good readers, to pick one new habit to adopt before the end of the year that would significantly improve your lives. Here is a sampling of what some of you said.
I want to deal with my anger.
I need to stop eating junk food.
I am the world’s greatest procrastinator—help!
I wish I could stop judging others so harshly.
This year I really mean it; I’m going to lose weight.
Thanks for the many excellent responses. Now, having identified the problem, we might reason that the next logical step would be to attack our individual issue head-on. Who among us hasn’t tried this enthusiastic approach? I call it the “beating it to death with a shoe technique,” and though the effort can feel satisfying, it is exactly the wrong thing to do.
“Here, anger, I can’t believe you’re back you lousy thing! You make me so mad. Take that, bam, bam, bam!”
“There, Miss four-hours-procrastinating-on-the-internet, now you’ll never get that paper finished in time. Well, you might as well see what else is for sale on eBay. Bam, bam, bam!”
Yet it’s completely natural that we should try to overpower our bad habits with sheer force. But by focusing on a bad habit, by giving it lots of attention, by shoveling more coal into the furnace, all we’re doing is strengthening the bully beast. The best way to eradicate a bad habit is to switch from a problem focus to solution focus.
Bad habits don’t die from too much attention; they die from neglect. Current research in neuroscience reveals that habits get physically programmed into the brain. Habitual actions create actual ruts, or grooves, in the hippocampus. (When you say you’re in a rut, you literally are.) And like a path through the woods, the more you use it the deeper it gets.
The first step is to stop trodding down that familiar path. How do we do that? By creating a parallel pathway that can bypass those old roads. So, instead of focusing on breaking the existing habit, we focus on installing the good habit that is going to make our life a whole lot easier. When we create a habit, we are building a new road.
Here’s how it works. If our problem is anger, then the solution is not to focus on what we don’t want (anger) but to focus on what we do want, which is peace and calm. We can’t stop anger from arising, but we can learn effective ways to deal with it when it does. So the new habit might be: cultivating calm.
If our problem is procrastination, then the solution is to get things done in a timely manner. Through awareness we can learn to recognize the tell-tale signs of avoidance and stop them before they wreck our good intentions. The new habit might be: learning how to enjoy productivity.
First, we set the goal, then we create a strategy, and then we set actions. It’s really that easy.
It takes about six weeks to install a new habit, so be patient with the process. Because our habits are so deeply entrenched we shouldn’t expect too much right away. Just to be aware of the habit is enough at first. To make progress setting a new habit, say, eating an apple instead of a candy bar, we have to be not only systematic, but sincere, too. The half-hearted approach simply won’t work.
Finally, we have to keep faithful to the new habit. We are creating a new neural pathway in our brain, and we cannot stop working on it even for one day. A Hindu proverb says: “miss one morning, you need seven to make it up.”
You can do it! Just stay focused on your new, good habit. If you slip up (and you will), don’t be disheartened; just begin again and again. That’s how you made the bad habit—by repeating a thought or behavior over and over—and that’s how you’ll make the new habit, too. Keep track of your progress on a calendar or in a journal. Report your results to a friend or accountability partner. Most important, plan how you will celebrate your success.
Let me hear from you.
ford says
Kelly,
In golf I have found that the body does not understand “no” & “don’t” very well. In trying to negotiate a shot around a pond, the flaw is to remind yourself to “not hit into the water.” Since it tends to go in anyway. Instead one needs to positively focus on the goal of landing in the desireable good and safe area(fairway). Dwelling or lingering on the negatives, as you note, fails in golf & life. Focus on the fairways!
Thanks for this wonderful topic.