MENU

Sections

More

July 26, 2021

The Chestertown Spy

An Educational News Source for Chestertown Maryland

Education Ed Homepage Education Ed Portal Lead

Sleep, Glorious Sleep! By Radcliffe Creek School Head Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

At night, when I used to get wound up in middle school (because Judy M. said to me in front of everyone that Barry Manilow wanted his wardrobe back), my parents would remind me to go to bed. The mantra, “Go to sleep. Things will be better in the morning,” really has credence. It can be incredibly hard to be in middle school, but we know for sure, a solid night’s sleep can really help.

In a world where there simply doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day, it sometimes seems hard to remember that sleep is a necessity, not a luxury. This is especially true for children from infancy through late adolescence. In our work at Radcliffe Creek School, when we problem solve how to help a child learn best and have meaningful social relationships, I find it is often important to discuss a child’s sleep patterns.

Children who do not get enough sleep will present with issues in the areas of attention, behavior, decision making, perception, and academics. We see that children (people) who don’t get enough sleep can struggle with their weight or other health ailments like a weakened immune system.

In my experience, it is not uncommon to see children and teenagers who are sleep-deprived wrestle with anxiety and depression. One of the most alarming research findings is that there is a very strong link between high school adolescents who get 6 hours or less of sleep and their increased risk for self-harm by engaging in high-risk behaviors. Therefore, it is critical to have a bedtime routine and to make sleep a priority before children are in high school so that when life becomes more demanding, they have strong habits in place for continued mental and physical health.

If your child is struggling in any of these areas, consider analyzing their sleep patterns. It would be good data for your family and for your child’s doctor to know how many hours of sleep your child gets each night. Are they sleeping peacefully or are they waking up due to sleep apnea? Do they have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep? Does your child have night terrors? One suggestion is that if you have a fitness tracker like a Fitbit, let them wear it to bed. It will track and graph your child’s sleep. For children who learn differently, sleep deprivation can compound the other challenges they are working so hard to overcome.

“We’ve learned that sleep before learning helps prepare your brain for the initial formation of memories,” says Dr. Matthew Walker, a sleep scientist at the University of California, Berkeley. “And then, sleep after learning is essential to help save and cement that new information into the architecture of the brain, meaning that you’re less likely to forget it.”

We know everyone needs to sleep and everyone’s body is different. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine offers us these guidelines:
Infants to a year: 12-16 hours per day including naps
Toddlers to 2 years: 12-14 hours including naps
3 years to 5 years:10-13 hours
6 years to 12 years: 9-12 hours
13 years to 18 years: 8-10 hours

(By the way, for adults, we should try for between 7-9 hours per night.)

With the intensity of COVID-19 and all we need to do to remain healthy and be safe,
sleep well, for everything will be better in the morning.

Meg Bamford is the Head of School at Radcliffe Creek School. For more information about Radcliffe please go here.

 

The Chromebook of Executive Function Skills by By Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

It happened, AGAIN. I went to the supermarket after work to get some bread. I spent over $100 on groceries, loaded them into the car and then as I was about to get into the driver’s seat, I remembered the forgotten bread. How could I forget my sole reason for going to the grocery store on a dark, wet evening?

Working memory is our ability to hold, use, and manipulate information in our mind for brief intervals of between10 to15 seconds. Things like shopping lists, multi-step directions, or (remember when this was necessary?) someone’s phone number, are all executive function skills that our working memory performs. Our working memory is central to cognitive functioning skills. One thing we know is that like a Chromebook, our working memory has limited capacity to hold onto information before it is replaced by other information. In order to hold onto information in our working memory, we have to make the conscious decision to keep it there. Neuroscientists have determined that our working memory can only hold a certain amount of information at a time and for a very limited amount of time. Our working memory capacity can vary depending on the type of information we are trying to remember and how the information is chunked in our brain as we try to remember it. I love the trivia fact that the reason why our phone numbers have 7 digits has to do with average number of digits most people can hold in their working memory at once.

Many school psychologists believe that an intact working memory is critical for allowing other skills to develop. It incorporates the ability to draw upon past learning experiences to apply to a situation at hand or to project into the future. For example, when we review cognitive testing, a lower score in the area of working memory can explain why a young student may struggle to decode unfamiliar words. Often the act of breaking down a word, sounding it out and then blending the sounds together can cause the reader to forget the first sounds of the word. Has your child ever got off the phone with someone she just spoke with and completely forget what the message was that she needed to relay? Long division and working memory deficits are not compatible unless there are supports in place.

Think about how frustrating it is for children (or adults) who struggle with working memory deficits. A child goes upstairs to get her shoes and socks on, brush her teeth, and grab her reading book. She comes down with her socks on and reading book. She is sent back upstairs by a frustrated parent because she didn’t follow directions and now the family is running late. She knows she needs to remember something, but can’t because the information has gone out of her working memory.

How can we help the child with working memory deficits build this critical skill? Teach your child to repeat or even sing the instructions to herself to put the information into their auditory memory. Model chunking the information for them. Instead of remembering individual digits 7-7-8-8-1-5-0, teach them to remember 778, 81, 50. Consider the idea of “off-loading” so the child doesn’t have to hold as much in his working memory. Teach your child to use agenda books and calendars, make “to do” lists (keep that white board displayed prominently in your kitchen) and have your older children use their phones as assistive technology tools for prompting. There are great apps such as Todoist and BugMe! that can be helpful.

Children develop their working memory from infancy until about late adolescence when it peaks. A young child may be able to hold onto one step directions in her mind while a middle school student will need to remember the expectations of multiple teachers.With repeated rehearsal, visualization, and active association to past experiences, over time a child with working memory deficits will learn ways to hold on more efficiently to information. The size of their storage capacity, may not change. However, like the Chromebook, there are many different ways to extend its capacity to get things done. There is limited storage capacity but the platform exists to get things into our longer term memory.

Meg Bamford is the Head of Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown

 

Q&A with New State School Superintendent Mohammed Choudhury

by Leave a Comment

Share

On July 1, Mohammed Choudhury began his new job as the state superintendent of Maryland. Choudhury arrived in Maryland two weeks ago from Texas, where he was known for his innovative initiatives when it came to poverty and race in the San Antonio and Dallas school districts. 

Maryland lawmakers and education leaders have said they are looking forward to a reinvigoration of the state’s public school system with his arrival, but also warn that he is undertaking a difficult job, especially coming from out-of-state and with a multi-billion-dollar, decade-long education reform plan that starts this year. 

In an interview with Maryland Matters reporter Elizabeth Shwe, Choudhury talked about how he is settling in Maryland and how he plans to lead the state school system. 

This is a transcript of the conversation, lightly edited for length and clarity. 

Maryland Matters: What do you think of Maryland so far and what are you most looking forward to doing in this state? 

Choudhury: Maryland is known as America in Miniature, so I am excited to live that experience out. I’m excited to taste all kinds of crab cakes in Maryland, which sets the standard for what a good crab cake is. I recently tried Jerry’s Seafood in Prince George’s County and G&M Restaurant, and both have been really great. I have a list that is like 20 deep and counting, and so I plan to form my own opinion on what the best crab cake is. 

I feel the diversity in Maryland, whether I’m just getting coffee or at the gas station or walking here in downtown Baltimore or figuring out where I’m going to do my dry cleaning — Maryland is very diverse and it reminds me of my upbringing in the Hollywood region. I went to school with Korean Americans, Latinos and Blacks, and I was the only Bengali kid. But it also reminds me of what the future face of this country will be.

I’m also looking forward to putting down roots and expanding my family here. Right now, it’s just me and my wife. I’m looking forward to having children here — how exciting would it be to have children go through an education system during the Blueprint era? That should be fun and exciting.

MM: How has your first week as a state superintendent been so far? 

Choudhury: It’s been very exciting. It is what I hoped it would be, which is a lot of positive energy and a feeling of what’s possible in the next decade to bring high-quality education to every child. I want to be able to channel that energy into the next phase of educational progress here with our local school systems. 

Right now my goal is to look, listen and learn, so I am talking with every subdivision here at the Maryland State Department of Education. I’d like to meet the entire team. I am a high-energy person, I like to stay busy, I like to have purpose in what I’m doing. My interactions so far have reinforced all of those things about myself.

MM: How do you plan to foster good relationships with local school systems and teachers? What do you want them to know about you? 

Choudhury: I am very much an experiential learner, so I’m looking forward to spending a lot of time in our local school systems, visiting schools, and hosting roundtables with groups of students and families throughout every county. 

I’m looking forward to shadowing students — that is something that I especially like to do … just hang out with this student and take classes and do assignments with them for a couple of hours or half the day. I did that a lot in San Antonio and within a school year, I would end up shadowing between 45 to 60 students across the pre-K to 12 spectrum.

I usually ask the school principal to choose a student for me to shadow, and the only thing I want beforehand is a profile of who the student is. But then for the next student, I put some general guidance — I would ask to shadow an English language learner, or a student who is having behavioral challenges or a student who is performing at an advanced level or two levels behind. My goal is to experience that day as that student, and then I meet with the principal and I just share what I experienced.

For me, it informs what’s happening in our school systems because what happens each and every day in the classroom is what we’re all here to do, from all the way up from the state board on down. It helps me become a much more informed and smarter person when I come to think about what we need to do to enhance that experience of that child or to continue to reinforce it. 

I’ve been making calls to introduce myself to the school superintendents of our local school system. I’m not all the way through all 24 yet, but one of the things I’ve been asking them is if I have permission just to shadow students, and so far, they have all said yes. 

I want teachers to know that I am obsessive about uncovering best practices, and my job is to channel the energy of best practices and push that up and down and across our state so it reaches more kids with urgency. 

I want teachers to know that my calendar will have sacred time, in which I will be out of downtown Baltimore on a bi-weekly basis. During those times, I do not want meetings other than what I am doing out in the community: shadowing a student, walking with a superintendent, or meeting an advocacy organization to better understand their needs.

MM: How do you feel about going from leading a school district of around 50,000 students to an entire state education system? How do you feel about holding a job that will require working with lawmakers and the governor?

Choudhury: Scale to me is not scary. I come from Los Angeles, California, where I was groomed as an educator and served about 700,000 students, and I worked also in the nonprofit community as well as with the district school system there. 

Then I worked in Dallas, as their Chief of Transformation and Innovation, and they have about 160,000 students. And then in San Antonio I held a similar role with expanded responsibilities and they have around 50,000 students. 

But one of the things I would hope people would see is the work that I do — I’m constantly thinking about scale. A lot of my work shaped legislation at the state level in Texas, and Texas serves 5.5 million children. Texas adopted a different way to measure poverty and respond to poverty, and that is touching every single school system, including charter schools, in Texas. 

Texas has a very different legislative body, but at the end of the day, it requires sharing the research on why this matters and working with leaders of the legislative body, as well as within the community to help come to the best idea. 

I feel like, in Maryland, I will get to do that more frequently, but this is not a foreign concept to me. The work that I have done — it has resonated nationally. So, I am looking forward to being able to shape the educational landscape in Maryland with the Blueprint as a very strong guide towards what comes next.

I left the classroom because I was frustrated with the central office messing things up for educators. The schools I taught at — we would do great things for students, and they would go off to the next school. But then somewhere across that pre-K to 12 spectrum, some of the kids would fall off. They would get lost in the system or that success would get set back, and I told myself — I need to be in the rooms where these decisions are being made to get it right for kids and educators. That’s the path I set myself on when I left the classrooms and here I am today.

MM: What are you most looking forward to with the Blueprint? 

Choudhury: There’s so many great things in the Blueprint. It really is a super bill and roadmap towards building a great education system for our state, which can mean many, many things for our country. 

I really do call it a true guide that came about as a result of an adequacy study. You normally don’t see states opt into adequacy studies on their own — usually they have to get forced into an adequacy study, or be pushed for by advocates to really truly uncover what it costs to provide a high quality education. 

The famous Rodriguez vs. San Antonio case — at the end of the day what that case came down to was: what was the cost to provide a high quality education to children living in abject poverty in that school district? Because the other school districts that were not that far away in a highly segregated setting were getting a completely different educational experience. 

The Blueprint is a long bill, but I read through it and I will continue to read through it multiple times. I am excited about the fact that it is focusing on expanding early childhood education — it all starts there. I am looking forward to the Blueprint expanding how we prepare educators in the state, the career ladders of educators, and raising the pay for educators, because that is long overdue. 

I am also excited about looking at the funding disparities across different school systems and making sure that targeted funding is differentiated based on the depth of poverty. Given my background, that is something that’s going to tug at my heartstrings … it’s just an obsession about getting that right, given my background in that area. 

This Blueprint is a once-in-a-generation moment to build a high-quality education system and I don’t not want to miss this opportunity to get it right with all of our stakeholders. Everyone is fully engaged right now. I bet other state education superintendents are jealous of me. 

MM: In San Antonio, you didn’t always see eye-to-eye with the teachers union — can you tell me more about that relationship? And what kind of relationship do you hope to forge with the teachers unions here? 

Choudhury: I have always had working relationships with every stakeholder, including our professional associations and unions. That is the relationship our administration had in San Antonio — we had something written into our policy that is very unique for a school system in a right-to-work state like Texas, where we met with our union once a month to talk about various issues. 

That relationship was always a working relationship and collaboration for specific initiatives. Did we always agree? No, we did not always agree. I would like for anyone to point me to something where everyone is in universal agreement with something. People debate over the color of a wall. But at the end of the day, my decisions will be guided by what’s best for kids and what the research says is best for kids. 

I will respect the views of everyone, and that doesn’t mean we will always agree when it comes to strategy and direction. But we will listen to one another, and so I’m looking forward to meeting with the Maryland State Education Association, to be able to share ideas and find points of collaboration. There might be moments where we won’t always agree. And that’s not just with the union, that can be other stakeholder groups as well too. 

MM: What have you evaluated as strengths and weaknesses of Maryland’s education system so far? 

Choudhury: I can’t answer that yet because I’m in the learning phase, but the only thing I could share is the findings from the Kirwan report, as well as what the data shows. Maryland has a reputation of high quality education, no doubt, but gaps exist, both in opportunity and learning, so there is work to be done.

The growth area is that excellence needs to be true for every child, regardless of their background, especially for our historically disadvantaged subgroups.

By Elizabeth Shwe

How to Help Our Children Who Are “Wired and Tired.” By Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

There is so much research that causes me to worry about the impact of technology on our children’s brains. In keeping with last week’s newsletter on sleep, this week I want to provide you with information to help you understand the link between sleep deprivation and the use of technology. Some nights, even after a busy-full-of-life-kind-of-day, do you find yourself wide awake staring at the ceiling, frustrated at why you cannot seem to connect your busy brain with your exhausted body? It’s the worst! I have come to understand that often the reason is that I went directly from my laptop to my pillow without allowing the opportunity for my brain to begin to quiet down, a necessity for quality sleep. I imagine this frustration, while tough for adults is even harder for children.

We know that engaging in technology before bed impacts our brains in different ways. First, whenever we use technology, we are either taking in or creating content and therefore, chemicals in our brain will stimulate its ‘wake centers’, making it harder to fall asleep. Furthermore, engaging in ”social media will signal the adrenal glands to secrete adrenaline and the stress hormone, cortisol,” says Beatrice Tauber Prior, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. We experience a “rush” when we are engaged in the experience of texting or Facebook. At school, we listen to our tweens and teens (especially our girls) who are so hungry for their peers to acknowledge them and respond to them on social media. I call it the curse of Instagram! I agree with Tauber who says, “The last thing you want your child to experience is a surge in adrenaline and cortisol when they are trying to fall asleep.”

A less obvious sleep interrupter is the bright light that our children’s devices emit. Exposure to these light emissions before bedtime can increase alertness. Consequently, the light from a device at night can also disrupt our child’s naturally occurring circadian (or daily) rhythms by suppressing the release of the hormone melatonin, which is critical for maintaining and regulating the sleep-wake cycles. I truly thought allowing my child screen time before bed would help him calm down and be ready for sleep. In fact, the impact was just the opposite!

With the technological demands of COVID, many children have computers, televisions, gaming systems, and their phones in their rooms at night. Children with impulsivity challenges are REALLY tempted by the draw of technology. And it is cool for 13-year-old to play video games late into the night (despite their teachers telling them it isn’t good for them). Choosing sleep over technology for an early adolescent is tough. I strongly recommend you help your children by removing the temptation.

In our house, we have a “tech bunk bed” ( a charging station) in our kitchen. All of our technology ranging from Chromebooks to the DS (especially when our girls were younger) needed to be “put to bed” before our kids took their nightly shower. It allowed a quick and easy visual for my husband and me to ensure our kids were able to sleep and to be safe. If your child has a system or a desktop computer and you can’t take it all out of the room, just take the most essential parts (i.e, power cord, remote control, keyboards, etc.) and put them in your bedroom.

As my girls aged, the tech bunk bed became less appealing. But the need to regulate what they were doing became more imperative! They wanted their phones next to them. In my experience as “the meanest mom in the world” and as Head of School, no positive communication from kid to kid happens in the wee hours of the morning. Working to help our children learn to establish a healthy relationship with sleep and establish boundaries with technology will serve them well.

Wishing you a peaceful night’s sleep!

Meg Bamford is Head of the Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown. 

Report: Md. Had Second-Lowest Rate of In-Person Learning During Pandemic

by Leave a Comment

Share

A States Newsroom report says “a new study shows that racial and geographic gaps persisted as K-12 students went back to their classrooms—with non-Hispanic white kids more often the ones attending a brick-and-mortar school full-time in most states.”

The study, featured in a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, looked at in-person and online learning from last September through April.

According to the report:

“The study found that access to in-person learning varied by state: 100% of students in Wyoming and Montana had access to in-person instruction, while Hawaii, Maryland and Washington had the lowest shares of students in their classrooms full-time.

“Only about 2.3% of Maryland students had access to full-time, in-person instruction.

“The new data also found a racial disparity in most states on whether students were learning online or in person. In 43 states, access to full-time, in-person learning was higher for non-Hispanic white students compared to those of color.

“Racial disparities in Maryland were small — students of color were 3.5% less likely to have in-person learning access — because most schools were closed.”

Read the full article by States Newsroom reporter Laura Olson on the Maryland Matters website.

Treasure of 18th and 19th-century documents saved from auction block

by 3 Comments

Share

Sometimes there’s more in an old house’s attic than moldy winter clothes, broken children’s toys, and mice enclaves. Sometimes there’s treasure.

And treasure, hundreds of rare 18th and 19th-century documents, were found in the attic of a Queen Anne’s County house on the brink of demolition. The retrieved papers, some 2,000were sent to auction at Crumpton. Luckily, an eagle-eyed historian—Starr Center for the Study of the American Experience Director Adam Goodheart—noticed the auction online and knew what he was looking at: rare slave documents and other papers related to Black history on the Eastern Shore.

The full story written by Michael E. Ruane appeared in Monday’s Washington Post.

Ruane describes the first moment he saw the small broadsheet that offered a reward for a runaway slave “A Negro Man Named Amos:

“It was chilling. There, on cheap rag paper, was the story of American slavery. Amos was “a smart fellow,” about 20, who might be headed for his mother in Philadelphia. But in 1793 he was the property of one William Price, who wanted him caught.”

Charles Sumner Hall just released their official announcement about the find:

“The Commodore Collection of original historical documents on the early experiences of African Americans in Kent and Queen Anne’s counties is a rare find,” according to Dr. Ruth Shoge, First Vice President of Sumner Hall. “The documents, which are intellectually enriching, also evoke an emotional response to the harsh reality of the lives of enslaved and freed Black people in 17th and 18th century America,” she continued. “It is very important to Sumner Hall that this collection has been given to us in perpetuity. The ownership of this collection is an honor and, in a special way, a homecoming for the memories of our ancestors. This collection supports our mission of promoting an understanding of the African American experience within the overall context of American history and culture.”

Thanks to the efforts of local Black residents and the Starr Center for the Study of the American Experience at Washington College, approximately 2,000 pages of documents were purchased from Dixon’s Crumpton Auction this spring. The collection, named after Washington College’s first local Black alumnus, Norris Commodore ’73, will belong to Sumner Hall but is being conserved and archived at the school’s Miller Library. Mr. Commodore, who has deep roots here, gave generously toward the acquisition cost and was joined by the Hedgelawn Foundation, the Kent Cultural Alliance and the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation.

The papers are being digitized as a part of the Chesapeake Heartland Project and several can already be viewed online here. President of Sumner Hall’s Board of Directors, Larry Wilson, says, “The Commodore Collection is a very meaningful record of African American life and survival. I believe that it is very important to know our history and to learn from the lives of our ancestors as we work together for equal rights, justice and freedom in this county and across the country. We look forward to having exhibits at Sumner Hall based on these materials soon.”

For more about Sumner Hall, go here.

 

The Art of Getting Out of the House by Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

Life is so busy. I think that one of the hardest daily challenges as a parent is the ability to get your children out the door and to school every day. When my children were younger, it was even harder. Despite my very best efforts and organization with multiple children, sometimes going to different locations, it felt like I was herding cats.

We would get into the car, and I would run back and forth grabbing a forgotten lunch box, diapers, or a library book. Most often what was sacrificed was what I needed for myself; my coffee, lunch, computer charger, etc.

Here are a few ideas that helped us survive and then even embrace those chaotic mornings. We found that following a strong routine and allowing for everyone to have time to transition (kids’ behavior tends to be worse when they are rushed) made all the difference.

  • Have your children set out their clothes the night before. For kids who have a hard time choosing clothes, choose outfits for the entire week on Sunday night. There are some great closet organizers that have 5 shelves. Label the days (this also helps them learn to sequence the days of the week). Choose outfits, underwear, and socks and place them on the shelves. When your children are in elementary school, this will help to remember particular items like wearing sneakers and gym clothes on PE days. For a while, we used cubby shelves that were large enough for us to place in musical instruments or sports uniforms on the days they were needed.
  • Create a landing spot for your children when they come home so that after backpacks, shoes, and diaper bags are hung up, items can be replaced and cleaned out, then everything is in the launch site for the next morning.

  • Help your child wake up happy. Give them a warning (or even an alarm clock when they are older), play their favorite music, turn on the lights, and allow them time to transition from sleeping to waking. I used to think my kids needed to sleep as long as possible before I would hurry them up and out the door. I found allowing for that 15-20 minutes of wake-up time made a huge difference in the morning with fewer tears and tantrums.

  • Breakfast is definitely the most important meal of the day. For those children who take medication, they may not feel hungry for snacks and lunch until later, so this is the time to try and get healthy food in their bellies. If at all possible, try to couple your child’s breakfast with some protein as it prevents a blood sugar crash that can happen later. We did many years of smoothies because our kids could have some cereal at home and then sip the smoothies as we drove to their childcare centers and schools. Just remember to rinse those cups out!

  • Develop checklists for your children. You can even create a picture checklist for young children who don’t read yet. Instead of being the human tape recorder, refer to the checklist to remind them to get dressed, put on their shoes, eat their breakfast, brush their teeth, and comb their hair. After they master a simple checklist and they are able to manage their time, add in possible chores like feeding the family pet, making their bed, putting breakfast dishes in the sink, turning out the lights, etc. Celebrate your kids when they follow it without prompting. This is a wonderful life skill for them to have!

  • If you have a long drive with your kids, use the time to talk with them. Kids’ brains are fresh for learning and listening in the morning (and they are trapped in the car with you). Go through their schedule of the day. Talk about what they are excited to learn or do that day and problem-solve with them the challenges that they may be worried about. Try your best to set a positive intention for their day. For example, they will be a good listener, they will spread sunshine, or they will be a friend to someone.

  • Understand that although mornings may be chock full of hurdles and challenges, these days do not last forever. Quality time in the morning doesn’t have to be elaborate or perfect, but remember that this is time to be with your kids and to set them on the path for a good day. When you say bye-bye, look them in the eyes and let them know you love them.

Wishing you sunshine on the gloomiest of mornings!

Meg Bamford is Head of the Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown. 

Creating Kid to Kid Connections by Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

It is human nature to desire to be connected and to belong to a community. Learning how to navigate friendships and groups is such a critical life skill. Some children are naturally gregarious and easily make friends, adapting to the group on the playground. I love watching this happen with young children. You can take your child to a new playground, and within the hour they have a new “bestest friend.” Wouldn’t it be great to harness that childhood confidence and joy during each new adventure as adults? What a gift for some children to feel so quickly connected to another person or group.

Unfortunately, some children do not connect easily with others. Perhaps it doesn’t bother them in preschool, but as children age, they notice how they compare to others. As a parent, this can be painful to watch unfold. Then the question becomes, how can we help our children to begin to foster relationships? We can absolutely create and reinforce environments where everyone needs to be included. At least this gives kids a chance and it helps take away the sense of embarrassment of sitting alone. However, the older children are, the more obvious and inauthentic those manufactured environments can be. As special education director in New Hampshire, I received many requests from high school parents for the school create a way for their child to make friends. It was a challenging demand to place on high school personnel when it wasn’t coming from the students themselves. It became clear to me as parents and educators that we needed to do more work with children when they are younger on the social pragmatic level.

First, I think it is important to emphasize that as we age, it can take longer to become a true friend or to become part of a group. Our kids often have expectations that things should happen instantly whether it is achieving a goal of becoming a true friend. Learning to be a friend, like everything else, takes practice.

Secondly, remind your child to remember that there is a reason why we have two ears, two eyes, and only one mouth. It is essential that your child understand that they need to become a “detective” and really observe a potential friend or group. Good friends ask other people about themselves. “What did you do over the weekend?” “Do you like to play Roblox?” Before jumping all in, encourage him to take the time to notice what everyone else is saying, their body language, and what seems important to the group. He should actively listen two times as much as he talks. Giving good examples of what to say and what not to say is great.

As a child observes what the potential friend or group is interested in, he should think about if he actually wants the friendship or to hang out with a specific group. If the group of boys is obsessed with football, and your child doesn’t know or want to know anything about the topic, maybe they should see if there are other children with interests that are more like theirs? It is easier for us to befriend people with similar beliefs and interests, and some kids need to be reminded of that fact.

Friendships are often sparked when there are not only shared interests but a shared purpose. I often suggest to kids who feel on the fringe of friendships, that they participate in an activity. During recess, our kids at RCS love to play soccer, Four Square, or GaGa Ball because it gives purpose to the group. When I was little, it was jump ropes, hopscotch, and hula hoops. For children who would prefer not to be physically active, interests like Pokemon cards or making friendship bracelets help provide a mechanism for common ground.

Finally, if you are concerned about your child, reach out to their teachers. They are an incredible resource on who might be a good match for your student. Sometimes with a little inside knowledge, teachers can help direct a child towards who might be a good match for them. Finally, this can hopefully lead to setting up activities that both children feel confident or excited to do together outside of school in order to nurture positive friendships.

Meg Bamford is Head of the Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown. 

Building Competence When Kids are Mean by Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

As children develop, they look to the people in their lives to help them figure out who they are. With authentic feedback that focuses on their positive traits, children can develop strong self-esteem. Most likely this will align with their intuitive sense of who they are and who they would like to become. Growing up and filtering positive, constructive feedback from the hurtful words of others, particularly from peers is really hard.

It can be really challenging to parent when other people are mean to our children. How do you teach a child to navigate situations when their “friends” say things that are mean? As we all have experienced, those moments in our lives can be absolutely crushing. At Radcliffe Creek School and in our homes, we try to create a nurturing environment where this doesn’t happen. The reality is that kids can be unkind to each other anywhere and this is difficult to prevent despite our very best efforts. Therefore, it is important to help children build their coping skills. As we know, they can benefit from explicit instruction and help in processing a difficult situation.

Here are some of the tools we need to utilize as parents to help our children feel strong and competent.

-Be an active listener. Provide a safe space for your child to be able to talk about what is going on. This is easier said than done. The situation can feel really awful to your child, no matter how minor you may perceive the situation to be. Sometimes, their perspective may be skewed. Nevertheless, it is still hard to see your child in pain and not want to rush in and try to fix it. Take a deep breath and say, “I am glad you are telling me about what happened. I am here to listen and help if you need me to.”

-Frame the conversation with these questions:

Can you tell me what happened?

Has this happened before?

How did you react? How do you wish you reacted?

Were there other people around? How did they react?

How can your friends or adults be more helpful to you?

What can I do to help you?

-Try hard not to overreact because your child needs to feel like they are capable of working through the situation. When parents get really upset and take away a child’s ability to process, plan, and navigate the situation, your child will lose their sense of competency in dealing with these scenarios. Curse creatively in another room, call a good friend and vent to them about how angry you are at this kid who is making your child miserable. Do not involve your child in that conversation. They should not have to handle your emotions when they are trying to regulate their own. Your children need to know that you believe they will get through this.

-Brainstorm together why your child thinks they were being teased. If you can come up with ideas on why the other kid might be teasing your child, it could help you to create a plan together. Perhaps the other child is:

seeking attention

displaying what the teasing child may experience or what they see on social media

trying to gain a sense of superiority because they don’t feel good about themselves

looking for peer acceptance by putting someone else down

has a misunderstanding of differences

Supporting your children and helping them develop functional coping skills to navigate difficult interactions is difficult. Perhaps they may need other people besides their family to help them solidify these skills. Consider involving counselors, speech and language pathologists, teachers, mentors, administrators, and coaches.

 

 

The Quiet Power of “Whatever” by Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

by Leave a Comment

Share

It is hard when your child is having a tough time with their peers. We strive to create a world in which people are empathetic, caring, and where others treat us how we would like to be treated. Sadly, as we all know from personal experience, that dream is not always our reality. I believe we need to help our kids build the skills necessary to navigate difficult social interactions. There is no doubt that the sting of teasing hurts, but to teach our children to competently manage the situation allows them the capacity to grow in better understanding themselves and human nature. When my children struggle with these issues, I make sure they understand that I am there for them as a problem-solver and a partner. I actively listen, rephrase what they say, and I ask questions to ensure I am getting the whole story. I make sure they understand they can always talk to me and that they are not alone in these times. However, with the simple kid to kid issues, I want the situation to be rectified by them, not me. Should the situation continue to escalate, I will step in.

Here are some ideas to help your child develop a number of skills if they are being teased. Some ideas to have your child do are:

  • Engage in self-talk in their heads such as “I don’t like this teasing, but I can handle it.”

  • Roleplay where your son is the bully and you show him what to say. See what “fits” your child’s response best. Then, switch and have him try it out.

  • Use humor to change the subject (Many of our students are hilarious!)

  • Ignore the other student.

  • Use “I” messages such as “I don’t like it when you make fun of my glasses. I would like you to stop.”

  • Visualize the hurtful words bouncing off of him. It provides the imagery of a shield and the mechanism of thinking so the words do not have to be believed or accepted. This works particularly well for younger students.

  • Look the other child straight in the eye and say “Whatever.” Or “So?” without emotion or reaction. The less energy your child gives back to their perpetrator, the less likely they are to keep bothering your child.

  • Figure out who your child can go to if the problem continues and you are not there. Who are the safe people they can ask for help from? What is the best way to approach the bus driver or a soccer coach? Practice what that might look like.

I think it is important to create a plan so that should the situation arise again, your child feels ready. Circle back at the end of the day to your child and check in on how things are going. Did they execute the plan? What worked, and what didn’t work? Is there something they could do better? Reiterate that you know they are capable, and they will get through this situation.

As always, do not hesitate to reach out if we can be of any help.

Meg Bamford is Head of the Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown. 

×

Make a DonationMaybe later