Meg Bamford - Chestertown Spy

It is hard when your child is having a tough time with their peers. We strive to create a world in which people are empathetic, caring, and where others treat us how we would like to be treated. Sadly, as we all know from personal experience, that dream is not always our reality. I believe we need to help our kids build the skills necessary to navigate difficult social interactions. There is no doubt that the sting of teasing hurts, but to teach our children to competently manage the situation allows them the capacity to grow in better understanding themselves and human nature. When my children struggle with these issues, I make sure they understand that I am there for them as a problem-solver and a partner. I actively listen, rephrase what they say, and I ask questions to ensure I am getting the whole story. I make sure they understand they can always talk to me and that they are not alone in these times. However, with the simple kid to kid issues, I want the situation to be rectified by them, not me. Should the situation continue to escalate, I will step in.

Here are some ideas to help your child develop a number of skills if they are being teased. Some ideas to have your child do are:

Engage in self-talk in their heads such as “I don’t like this teasing, but I can handle it.”
Roleplay where your son is the bully and you show him what to say. See what “fits” your child’s response best. Then, switch and have him try it out.
Use humor to change the subject (Many of our students are hilarious!)
Ignore the other student.
Use “I” messages such as “I don’t like it when you make fun of my glasses. I would like you to stop.”
Visualize the hurtful words bouncing off of him. It provides the imagery of a shield and the mechanism of thinking so the words do not have to be believed or accepted. This works particularly well for younger students.
Look the other child straight in the eye and say “Whatever.” Or “So?” without emotion or reaction. The less energy your child gives back to their perpetrator, the less likely they are to keep bothering your child.
Figure out who your child can go to if the problem continues and you are not there. Who are the safe people they can ask for help from? What is the best way to approach the bus driver or a soccer coach? Practice what that might look like.

I think it is important to create a plan so that should the situation arise again, your child feels ready. Circle back at the end of the day to your child and check in on how things are going. Did they execute the plan? What worked, and what didn’t work? Is there something they could do better? Reiterate that you know they are capable, and they will get through this situation.

As always, do not hesitate to reach out if we can be of any help.

Meg Bamford is Head of the Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown.

I think one of the most stressful times in our lives can be the transitions that happen when you graduate from one school to enter the next chapter of your life. Whether it is graduating from Pre-K to go to kindergarten or from high school to go to college, the stress of this change is deeply felt at every age. Often there is cognitive dissonance or tension between wanting to remain in a place that is familiar and comfortable and wanting new experiences and challenges. Change can seem overwhelming, even when it is something your child has wanted.

Transitions are times of celebration of accomplishments, mastery of skills, and maturation. By the time graduation rolls around, most children are ready for the next chapter of their lives. It is important to keep reminding yourself and your child of this very important fact as you negotiate the upcoming change.

We often see a variety of behaviors in children as transitions or graduations approach.

They can be overly emotional and can be easily weepy, frustrated, or snippy.
Their executive functioning skills such as following multi-step directions, time management, and inhibition seem suddenly lacking.
They are incredibly negative whether it is about their current school or the school they will be attending.
Long-time friendships seem to dissolve and new ones form.
They are fearful of their new environment such as the ability to make new friends, living up to the expectations of being in a more advanced grade, not knowing their way around the school, or understanding their schedule.
Students tend to quibble with their peers, teachers, and family members about seemingly irrational, unimportant issues and details. They have to be right and “win” the argument.

As a parent, it is really important to understand that these behaviors, although incredibly challenging, are very normal. I recommend taking a deep breath and considering some of the following ideas:

Employ strategies that have worked in the past such as the use of checklists, setting reminders on their phone, creating a calendar that lists important details to remember and upcoming events, etc.
Look beyond their actions and negativity and try to actively listen to what might be bothering them. Allow a little time between a “snit” so your child can calm down. Later, ask, “So what’s going on? You seem to be having a hard time. What can I do to help?”
Problem-solve. If your child is graduating from middle school and going to a high school that is different from her best friend, brainstorm ways that they can (realistically) stay in touch. (Facetime is a good way for kids to see each other.)
If they are in the mood to quibble, simply say, “You seem to be having a hard time but I am not going to talk about this anymore.” And walk away.
Help your child acclimate to their new school. Tour (or ask for a video tour) the school, ask if you can have the names and phone numbers of kids in your child’s class who might be a good match and set up times over the summer to get together, look at newsletters/the school website/youtube videos together so your child can visualize the new surroundings a little more easily, and ask if you can have a copy of your child’s schedule so together you can mentally rehearse each day.
If your child’s behaviors are alarming and seem to be accelerating, reach out to their teachers, school administration, or their counselor for some help.

Most importantly, be empathetic. Do not try to minimalize your child’s stress about changing schools. Instead, validate their feelings and reiterate that while the transition may seem hard right now, you have every confidence that they are ready for this change. The more you panic, they will panic.

Wishing you smooth transitions!

Meg Bamford is Head of the Radcliffe Creek School in Chestertown.

The Quiet Power of “Whatever” by Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

Understanding Transitions by Radcliffe Creek School’s Meg Bamford

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