When Your Life is the Story By Laura J. Oliver  

Note: On June 4, Laura Oliver and Andrew Oliver will be reading stories as part of the Spy Night Series at the Avalon Theatre. Doors open at 5:30 pm

Three years ago today, when I started writing these weekly stories, I confided, “You might as well know up front that I believe in life after death, mental telepathy, and mind over matter.” I was being a little facetious since I also mentioned having spent my childhood trying to make my cat Purrfurr levitate. But I’ve created a book of these columns now and titled it “Something Other Than Chance” because when I think about how we met and about the other intriguing connections we’ve explored, I do believe we experience inexplicable miracles of timing that may be an expression of a power we have yet to comprehend.

As a panelist at the Washington Writers Conference two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to pitch this next book to several of 12 literary agents who had come for a ‘pitch fest.’ If this sounds kind of fast and aggressive, that’s because it is. Each pitch is precisely five minutes. Having sold my first book without an agent, I’d never subjected myself to a multiple pitch fest before. It’s like Speed Dating meets Shark Tank.

Here’s how it works. You line up ahead of your appointment time outside the pitch room, with the 11 other writers pitching one of the agents in that time slot. If your appointment is, say, 11:52, then at exactly 11:52, on the dot, the door opens, and you all crowd in simultaneously, scanning the room for the desk at which your target is seated. Once you find her, you have until 11:57 to vacate your seat for the next hopeful. If you don’t get up on your own at the sound of the bell, you are tasered.

Not really. You are escorted out by a very polite timekeeper.

Having helped other writers prepare queries and pitches, I had learned a few things about this process. Like know who your target readership is, which means who will buy your book? And the answer can’t be “Humans.” Or “Earthlings,” or “Everyone with eyeballs.”

So, you sit there wishing you could just do a Mr. Spock mind-meld—put three fingers on the side of the agent’s temple and telepathically transmit your book into her brain so that you don’t even need your whole 5 minutes. Instead, you must articulate your subject, audience, books similar to your own that have sold well, your ability to market, and your credentials– in a charismatic yet professional way.

In 300 seconds.

The gun went off, and we all pressed through the door only. I couldn’t recognize which agent was mine because all the seats filled immediately. Bewildered, I approached desk after desk as if searching for a seat in a game of musical chairs, only to realize someone had taken my spot and was using up my precious five minutes pitching her book out of turn. The timekeeper saw my distress, recognized the interloper and made her leave, but by that time I had less than 240 seconds. Four minutes to explain how the agent would make money helping me get my book published and why I would be a low-maintenance, super-fun person with whom to collaborate.

I think I said I love dogs because I knew from her bio she had a labradoodle. I hope we bonded over All Creatures Create and Small. The stakes felt so high at the time, though less than 1% of agent requests to see the manuscript become a book.

The high stakes made it feel like the proverbial life review when we make the transition from this life to the next. When we end this book and start another and hope for a 4-star review or a positive blurb.

This is my story, you say, and I am the only one who could have written this particular tale. I needed a lot of help, thank you. It’s full of conflict and loss, and the protagonist is deeply flawed, but she knows this and works hard to improve.

Here, you see the timekeeper edging over, and you revert to sputtering everything you know about plotting a story and crafting a life. And nothing is as it appears! Someone goes on a trip! A stranger comes to town!

“Sorry, you’re out of time,” the timekeeper says, and you rise to stand in front of the person who holds your fate in her hands.

A girl loves a dog. Has babies. Makes bad choices, then better ones. 

“Is there transformation,” the agent asks?

I hope so. After all, that was the point of this effort, this book, this life.

“What’s the genre?” the agent asks. “ Adventure? Romance? Mystery? Coming of age?”

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

“Sum it up in one line,” she says as the timekeeper touches your arm. “What’s this book really about, and why would I read it?”

“Because it’s about you,” I say, suddenly realizing this is true.

And because, in the end, it’s a love story.

 

Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.