Off The Bench: Hate by Steve Rideout 

We see and hear “Hate” all around us these days. We see its results most recently in Buffalo, NY. Hate abounds in social media, at Congressional hearings, on 24/7 news. Years ago I watched a neighbor appear before a Congressional Committee and be verbally abused by Congressmen who appeared to know little or nothing about the issue before the committee. They gave speeches and asked confusing and incomplete questions and then did not give my neighbor the opportunity to answer their questions. How she maintained her composure during over four hours of their questioning and posturing was amazing. Despite their efforts, she provided them with the information they needed that was supported by data but was not what they wanted to hear.

In the family law arena, hate is often a common denominator. Judges see it in cases of domestic violence, custody disputes, protective orders, fights between youth at school or in the community, and divorce cases. It is, unfortunately, the thing that impacts not only the spouses or parents who are in court but also their children, other family members, and, in some cases, the community. The causes for the hatred are too numerous to list or explain here, but they are not rational or helpful in solving the problem that brought the matter to court but can give the parties the opportunity to resolve some issues by themselves or have them decided by the judge.

As a lawyer, I had people ready to litigate over every knife and fork in a divorce case even though the cost to them would have far exceeded the value of what they were seeking. My solution there was to set my fee for the trial and insist that it be paid well in advance of the hearing. I learned early in my career that the ability to be paid what I was owed became more difficult very quickly after the trial and the judge’s decision, whether my client won or lost. If they lost, it just became more difficult even more quickly.

With family court, when surveys are done with the litigants, the reasonable expectation for a judge is to have 50% of them happy with what decisions are made. Sometimes no one is happy. That is why mediation, family counseling, and therapy are much better places for families who are separating or divorcing or engage in criminal conduct to put their usually limited resources, especially if children are involved.

After years of hearing contested custody cases, I decided that I would become a mediator in my retirement. I took the training and learned all of the ways to help people through the process to allow them to make their own decisions. My first mediation case, however, taught me that I was not able to be the impartial person that I needed to be. 

In that first case, I saw in the husband and his demands on the wife what I had seen too often in court. Hatred, control, disrespect, and the list goes on. He was a bully that showed all of the characteristics of someone who had tried to control his wife during their marriage and was trying to do it even as they ended it. Rather than allowing him to browbeat her into submission, my judicial instincts took over, and I ended the session and ended my mediator career. Those who do mediation have to be special people who keep their focus on their goal, which is a peaceful resolution of the issues.

What happens when hatred wins the day in custody cases is a parent who wants to be loved by his or her children but who often loses that relationship unless he or she is able to move past the hatred and receive help. While Mediation may not get the couple everything that each of them wants, it can result in a decision that they make themselves rather than one that a judge imposes on them.

That is why most judges will encourage divorcing couples or parents in custody matters to go to mediation. The decision that the judge makes is often not one that makes either parent happy. One custody trial I recall was held a few months after a hearing where I made a temporary decision on custody and visitation. After the all-day trial was completed and I made my decision, the father of the child asked me if I would go back and reinstate my earlier temporary decision because he liked that one better. That did not happen.

We have a particularly good mediation program in the Mid Shore area for Talbot, Dorchester, and Caroline Counties. It is the Mid Shore Community Mediation Center. It needs volunteer mediators to help with this important work and provides the training. It provides a service to anyone in the community that has a dispute or disagreement with someone else that, in most cases, can be accomplished at no or limited cost to the parties.

Think about it. Hate can be all consuming and exhausting. It can ruin your life and your relationship with other people who are neighbors or that you care for and that you want to care for you. As we have seen over the past few years, it can cost lives of innocent people.

Thanks for Reading. Please be in touch.

Judge Rideout is the former Chief Judge of the Alexandria, VA Juvenile and Domestic Relations District Court (1989-2004). From 2004 until the present he has consulted in different states to support their efforts to improve their child welfare systems. From 2016 to early 2021, he was the Ward 1 Commissioner on the Cambridge City Council. Throughout his career, he has been an advocate for improving the lives of children in his and other communities. He can be reached at [email protected]