The Price for Empathy by Angela Rieck,

“Waiter, these seats are uncomfortable.”

“Waiter, the fans are too fast, can you turn them off?”

The waiter patiently explains that the fans are for everyone.

“Waiter, we need to change tables, it is uncomfortable.”

I am dining with two very successful men and their wives. They are white males from a middle class background, who worked hard for their success and now are enjoying the fruits of their labor, while their wives cringe at their entitlement.

Earlier, I was with a friend whose son had just died from an apparent heart attack. We became close after his wife died, sharing a common grief. I can now count six friends in Key West who have lost a son. Other friends have lost spouses. We sit together quietly at the dog park in the space of the newest loss.

“Waiter, I need more water.”

I am doing a slow burn. These men have no compassion for how busy these servers are and the restaurant is full. But it is not their fault.

Neither has experienced the loss that silences privilege.

I remember watching a talk by Joan Didion, who lost both her husband and daughter within 18 months. She was exhorting the audience to understand the depth of loss that was coming. Her adoring audience smiled and applauded as she got more and more frustrated that they were not getting her message.

Before my loss, I would have empathized, but I couldn’t have understood either.

“Waiter, where is my water?”

I quash my impulse to lash out. These men haven’t been quieted by devastating sorrow, overwhelming grief, or crippling loss. They can’t hear that silence.

And I remember when I was rude to a technical support technician in India because I couldn’t understand her accent. Or the time when I was annoyed with the waiter for forgetting my request for “no onions” on my salad.

Fundamental loss has made me more compassionate. But it was a high price to pay. And I hope that these gentlemen will never experience the excruciating ache of longing.

“Waiter, more bread here.”

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.