Our Very Own Russian Connection by Jamie Kirkpatrick

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In light of recent events and in keeping with the transparent revelations of the mainstream media, I feel compelled—no, COMPELLED!—to disclose a recent meeting with five Russian tourists to Chestertown. The meeting took place four days ago at an undisclosed location somewhere in the 200 block of Cannon Street, deep in the heart of the town’s Historic District. Present at the closed-door session were a family of five Russian visitors to Chestertown including father Igor (of course); mother Jenny (as close as we could come to pronouncing her name), and three charming adolescent daughters aged 11, 9, and 5, whose first names are being withheld under the terms of the ACA (Anonymous Childrens Act) which is not to be confused with that other ACA (Affordable Care Act), also known as Obamacare. The family’s surname is also being withheld because it has too many vowels and syllables. Also present at the meeting were my wife and I and an unidentified former political operative from Kent County known only by the code name, “Smokey.”

While it is not clear exactly how this meeting was arranged, reports indicate that initial contact was made during last Thursday’s meeting of the Martini Society at The Kitchen Restaurant in the Imperial Hotel on High Street when Igor—who was dining with his wife and the three suspiciously well-behaved girls—volunteered to take the official weekly group photograph so that all members of the group, including our local golf professional, could be included. It was also reported that it was at that moment one of the children said that Igor was a lousy photographer and that “mom should take the picture because she knows how to use her iPhone.” An examination of the phone in question indeed reveals two sets of Russian fingerprints on the photo button of the camera. (A copy of the photograph taken by the reputed “Mom” is included with this report.)

It is not exactly clear what happened next, but a source close to the investigation who spoke on condition that he would not be identified saw my wife go over to the Russian table and begin to engage the family in seemingly innocent chat that included questions such as “Where are you from?”, “Where did you go to high school?”, and “Why on earth are you in Chestertown?” The conversation quickly became complicated when it was determined that the Russian family, originally from Moscow, currently reside in Dubai where Igor was employed (among other things) as a liquor distributor for the government. Although specific details of the encounter remain vague, it was at this time that a formal invitation was issued to the Russians to visit a private home on Cannon Street the following evening for further talks.

That meeting was scheduled to take place at 5pm on Friday but a sudden thunderstorm threatened to engulf the town and caused the Blue Heron Restaurant to lose power for a few minutes. (Fortunately, the Chester River Wine & Cheese Shop across Cannon Street did NOT lose power!) The storm delayed the arrival of the Russian entourage and caused the meeting to be moved to an off-porch location—the indoor living room. When the Russians finally arrived under cover of umbrellas, they presented us with a large bottle of Russian vodka which as everyone knows is specifically excluded from the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution.

There are no known recordings of the conversations that ensued but anonymous reports indicate that various topics were addressed including the state of micro-distilleries in Maryland and Igor’s new translation of The Nutcracker opera into English. However, surveillance did confirm that at one point in the evening, all three girls went upstairs and bounced on the guest bed, but reports of an ensuing pillow fight could not be confirmed by the time this article went to print.

The Russian family claimed to have been in Chestertown for three weeks while their eldest daughter attended a Math Camp at Washington College. (It was during this exchange that the terms “sine” and “cosine” were first used, although no one present at the meeting knew exactly what either term meant.) The eldest daughter did confirm that she “loved” Math Camp while the other two girls passed their time in Chestertown playing, swimming, fishing, crabbing, reading, visiting Annapolis, and taking a ride on The River Packet. They vowed to return next summer.

“Smokey” has not been seen since last Friday’s meeting although a grainy photograph taken of him drinking Bad Alfred’s bourbon in Dubai appeared on FoxNews yesterday.

I’ll be right back…

Jamie Kirkpatrick is a writer and photographer with homes in Chestertown and Bethesda. His work has appeared in the Washington Post, the Baltimore Sun, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the Philadelphia Inquirer, the Washington College Alumni Magazine, and American Cowboy magazine. “A Place to Stand,” a book of photographs and essays about Landon School, was published by the Chester River Press in 2015.  A collection of his essays titled “Musing Right Along” was released in May and is already in its second printing. Jamie’s website is www.musingjamie.com.

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Letters to Editor

  1. Deirdre LaMotte says:

    This looks like way too much fun… I know what I want to do on Thursday evenings!!

    Did you talk about Russian adoptions? 🙂

  2. Leonid Samovar says:

    This is a very entertaining article, but rest assured that we already know all about this secret meeting since we have all the emails already.

  3. Well, ya know. We do what we do. So glad to be Chestertown’s beacon of light during the storm for all weary travelers in need of amazing gourmet food.

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